Sunday, August 10, 2014

My different life

My life is different. My Russell is not by my side. He has been gone 5 and a half months,  I feel that void everyday.  I have not really written it out, I have started many times, but like now, the tears fill my eyes, and I have a hard time seeing thru them.  But here goes.

I feel like I am doing the best I can everyday.  I know what I know. My testimony is real.  It was his time to leave this mortal existence, that is clear to me, but I was not ready.  This is part of life, this I also know. We had a beautifully blessed 35 years 3 months and 16 days together.  I selfishly wanted more. I ache to have him near.

I see him in our children's lives, their goodness.  I feel him in the songs we loved, especially when I hear "our song" or tender songs of love and memory. I tear up in just about every movie I see, be it young or old love, especially stories of loss.  I am emotional when I am places he loved, or that we spent time together, the craziest things will set off my heart in missing him. We built a great life together, and have an amazing family to live on and live a legacy that has been left to them. We have been so blessed to have Russell Holmes as our Husband, Father, Grampa.

One thing I have discovered is not everyone is blessed with a love like ours.  The tenderness, the need and want and joy in being together.  The memories of our life together that brought us to this time in our lives, and  thoughts of what empty nesting life would be together.  Not all marriages are lived out in true love.  A deeper and richer love would be hard to be found. Russell has always been sweet and tender with me, but the last few years, I saw a depth in his eyes and his tender words that filled me with a knowledge that I am going to love our eternity together as well. I need to be worthy of this.

Sometimes I find myself in deep thought about how ready Russell was to go and be released from his recent health problems, problems that limited his life in doing those things that he loved.  Surfing, hiking, finding himself wrapped in natures arms.  Being on call for those who needed his help in service.  His last few years were really filled with an awareness of and desire to be as President Thomas S. Monson, ever on the Lord's errand.  His hands were truly open for wherever the Lord needed him to be.  Unfortunately for my life's journey, he is now on that errand on the other side of the veil of this life.

I am also naturally sad about some things. I am sad for Russell's parents and brothers and sisters as well as my extended family.  He blessed them and it is a deep loss for their hearts as well.  I am saddened by  how early my children lost their father, how we do and will feel the void of his quiet strength and love as we gather our family in events, binding moments and Gospel ordinances ahead. How he loves his children and grandchildren.  I know he watches from another place, I and those who were in his circle of influence miss him here in this place. 

A close friend often asks if I am mad a God.  She is a great lady, but not a woman of faith.  I tell her no, over and over.  It is hard to grasp for her.  But I have not ever been mad, just really sad. I am grateful I can awake with a genuine smile and do the things that help me function. I am so grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ.   I know I will go on as I have these last few months, I hear it gets not easier, but more of your new normal.  I tell you I didn't see it coming.  I really struggle with the sadness in the quiet moments that I have more often than not. My heart is broken.  but in saying that I can also say I am okay.

I am so thankful for my amazing family and friends who surround me with their prayers, invitations to spend time and your unconditional love.  I don't know how people get through without this support. 

I feel like I am writing things that may be seen as too sad, but I need to be allowed to do this. I am strong in my faith, in my knowledge of where Russell is. I don't see myself as ever being relieved of my longing to be with him.  But for now, I know I will live daily in a way that will keep me close to him and live as Russell would want me to with love and growth and sharing what I know to be true.  With a smile on my face and love in my heart for the gifts that God has so richly blessed me with. My children, my grandbabies, my family, my friends. The Gospel of Jesus Christ. You carry me until I will see him again.